Ice cream for breakfast

August 15, 2008

I’m putting myself through toruture.

I’m sitting on the couch watching baby shows, wondering if my period will EVER show up and if I will ever get the chance to even try to get pregnant.

I don’t know if it’s just the medication I’m on, or if I’m tapping into some inner knowledge that something is seriously wrong – like, do I have cancer, or some cyst that interrupting my natural cycle.

The sane part of me believes I’m just being retarded. But unfortunately, the crazier part of me is taking over and filling my brain with irrational thoughts and depressing fears.

To be honest, I can’t even get off the couch this morning, even though I’m boiling hot and feel like I’m percolating in my own sweat. A cool shower would help me feel a lot better, I’m sure, but I can’t seem to get motivated for anything that might make me feel better.

Let me explain what’s going on here. We decided to try for a family a year ago, and I went off the birth control pill for the first time in 10 years. It felt great, at first.

It took six weeks to get my first period, which was normal in every way except that I had massive PMS with all the pregnancy symptoms the Internet Google search told me to watch out for. It was a bit frustrating, to be sure, but I was optimistic it would rebound back to my normal 29-day cycle.

It wasn’t to be. Instead of getting shorter, my cycles got longer, and more symptomatic. In fact, at day 55 with no sign of impending ovulation last cycle, I went to my doctor and got both a referral to a fertility specialist and a prescription for Medroxy to get my period started.

I took the pill for seven days, and waited yet another week and a half for my period to finally arrive. A month later, I went to see the specialist for the first time, who sent me for an ultrasound and an X-ray, and again gave me Medroxy to get things going. She gave me a stronger dosage, and for 10 days instead of seven, and I am feeling totally crazy because of it.

I am still waiting to do the X-ray, since I have to be on period to do it. My next appointment is about two weeks away, and I was hoping to have taken all the necessary tests before meeting with the doc again, so she could actually set us on a course for success.

Oh – did I mention that in the last two weeks, I’ve found out yet two more of my friends are pregnant? Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy for them, I really am. But it only seems to shine a spotlight on my own situation and frustrations. And fears.

Now that I’ve taken the ultrasound, I’m freaked out that there’s something more sinister going on, and that the next time I go to the doc, she’s going to give me some horrible news. As the seconds tick by on this comfy couch of mine, I am more and more convinced that I have some terminal disease that makes the whole fertility issue seem moot. This is where your mind goes.

I’m writing in an attempt to calm my fears, and rationality prevail over insanity. I don’t think it’s working so far, but perhaps some of you can share in my misery, or provide some insight that’s a little bit more helpful than the usual, “Don’t worry – it will happen.”

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August 15, 2008

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